Chock-full of tastelessness

Oh Baldwin. How we love thee. Such a village street - “reminds me of Ann Arbor,” one soon-to-be Vanity Fare contributor commented - smack in the middle of the city. I fear, however, that its eating establishments are spurning our affection. Although the many cafes and restaurants that line Baldwin’s leafy sidewalks have charming decors (and patios!), across the street (ha) the food is mediocre. Baldwin is the gifted kid in math class who’s failing because she can’t sit still. So much potential but without the proper tools - Ritalin for the student, chefs who can actually cook for Baldwin’s cafes - not worth the time. (Clearly, I should never be a teacher).

Vegetarian Haven, sadly, is one of these students. I suppose we should have known. Here’s a dining tip for any hungry Torontonians: avoid pan-Asian cuisine at all costs. If there’s one thing I despise - and I like to think I have a pretty receptive palate - it’s culinary indecision. Now Asia, as we all know, is a big place. Why chefs believe they can conquer Japan, China, Vietnam, Thailand, India (don’t even get me started), and Morocco (apparently part of Asia) simultaneously is beyond my comprehension. It demands, as you have witnessed, the overuse of italics. Yet, defying logic, pan-Asian eateries abound in our fair city. Pick a country! If you’re going to do one thing, as everyone’s mother has told her, do it well. Colonization is so last century (and the century before that and the century before… also, memo to the Bush administration); enough with the haphazard pilfering.

Unsurprisingly, Vegetarian Haven’s food was muddled. The tempeh in my salad was cut too thin and under-seasoned; a noodle soup dish was bland; a lentil soup special was flavourful but tepid. We wanted to like the place, we really did. We enjoyed the romantic décor and the friendly staff; other people’s food looked good. Maybe we just ordered the wrong thing (is mock meat what we’re supposed to be having? Is mock pastrami their specialty?).

It pains us to see Baldwin in such a state. I didn’t want it to come to this but tough love seems the only option. So here’s our ultimatum: either choke down the Ritalin, Baldwin, or we’re shipping you off to Gitmo.

- Andrea